Yoda says it best: "Anger Leads To Hate," But Does Expressed Anger Actually Lead To Suffering Or

Does It End Suffering? Or Both? And Is The Suffering Of Someone Else Worth Ending Your Own Suffering?

In this case, I'm leading toward "yes" on the second question.

I thought that I would always love you because of who you are to me, then I loved you but didn't like you very much, but now I'm becoming less and less sympathetic & empathetic toward you. You try to pull off the "good Christian" card, but I know better. You are a lonely, bitter, angry & viral person who drains the very life out everyone you come in contact with. You don't even try to be happy & yet you are surprised that no one wants to be around you. People try to include you in activities, but you segregate yourself & look unpleasant the whole time until, finally due to feeling guilty about being happy & enjoying themselves, someone takes you home.

Changing Winds

Change is scary. It always is, whether for good or for bad. I'm trying to make changes for the better, but I'm still frighted to my very core. There's always the chance, no matter how small, that things will get worse. And in some cases, they always seem to get worse before they get better. So what do you do? I'm actually quite envious of the people who have found God or some other faith to pull them through the dark times. I'm working on that too....

"Ever since I found you, I wanna be around you. I wanna get down to the point that I need you."

It's not really any secret that I have trouble trusting people, especially those of the male persuasion. It's not that I don't try either. Ask anyone who really knows me, they'll tell you I trust to the point of being completely blinded and detrimental to myself. I'm envious of the people who are in relationships with their best friends and both people are truly happy. I desperately want that, to be able to find someone to spend my life with, who gets me and isn't annoyed by my quirkiness, is understanding and sympathetic when it comes to my health issues, and someone who is looking to be in it with me for the long run....

Well, it's still early in our reconnection, but I've been talking to a guy I dated almost five years ago off and on the past year or so and I was supposed to see him in October when he was here from Vegas, but I didn't get to. Now he lives in California and I got to see him last week. He flew into town on business and I was the only person he called and told he was going to be here. I had dialysis that day, so I was busy until about 2:30. He came by the unit to get my apartment keys so he could get a shower and decided to come back and sit with me for a bit. It was really nice. We talked for almost 40 minutes while I was hooked up, even though there is a fifteen minute time limit for visitors. He left and went back to my apartment and I continued my treatment. He had to go take care of the business he came into town for not too long after I got home, but afterwards he brought Jimmy John's to eat and we hung out, talked about life and family and work, and watched "Click" on tv. It was different hanging out with him this time. He opened up about his mom dying and I talked about my grandmother who passed away last year. He told me about his job in California, which was funny and nice to hear about since he was genuinely excited about it. It was really good to see him! He stayed with me until about 11:30, when he left to head back down to Orlando because he had a 7am flight the next morning. He called me when he got to his layover in Denver and we talked for a bit more. He said I need to come out there and spend some time, which would be awesome! I have to set up dialysis with a unit out there though, so I looked into them and he told me which one was the closet to him. He's coming back at the end of this month for his birthday, so I'll get to see him again! I think I surprised him by still remembering when his birthday is. He said only his mom and sister ever really remembered. One thing that he said that I can't shake because it meant a lot to me was "My mom would have liked you". I never got to meet her, so that was nice to hear. It's been a lot of fun and I've really enjoyed catching up with him by talking and texting him each day since he left and I can't wait until he comes back!

Fall

Leaves swirling,

My mind whirling,

Both out of control.

It's Autumn

And I've fallen.

Once again.

Where are you?

I seek you.

The one that makes me whole.

It's Autumn

And I've fallen.

Once again.

Yin:Yang = Me:Lonliness?

Is there such a thing as destiny and soulmates? And if so, what happens to a person when, and if, their "other half" finds someone else or dies? Are they then destined to be alone or feel incomplete as they bounce from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship? Everyone tells you to "take it slow" and "keep looking, Mr/Ms. Right is out there". But with every failing "relationship" it just makes it that much harder to trust the next one. The new one is tainted by the poisons that killed the last. And every passing day just gets more dark and lonely. Especially when you desperately want it to work out and finally get your own happy ending.

Torn

I met this guy, well actually two guys. One I've known, or rather known about, for a few years; the other I met a few weeks ago. They seem polar opposites on many levels. I like them both very much. They each make me feel alive in new ways. I feel much more comfortable with myself and able to express myself in new found ways, without fear of critism, ridicule, or judgement. And I couldn't be happier!

Love Is Blind?

I love you. Sometimes it feels as if it's out of obligation, however. You have the innate ability to take simple joys and crush them, like bugs under a shoe. You want me to trust and confide in you, but it only leaves me cut open and bleeding. I know you care for me, but are you holding on too tight and suffocating the very life out of me?

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?

I know you. You know me. But somehow I am invisible to you. Forever locked away, never to escape this tower of assumption you've placed me in. I remain here because I can't let myself escape. I have started to believe what you've been saying, which complicates us even more.

He would kiss my forehead and move my hair from my eyes in a way that will be forever with me even though he is gone.

P (5:13:33 PM): do you think anyone does anything just out of the kidness of their heart? and for
no ulterior motives?
n (5:14:11 PM): sometimes
n (5:14:40 PM): i mean I believe it happens...its rare and therefore special; but I do believe it
happens
P (5:15:48 PM): and how can you tell if someone's being sincere?
P (5:16:01 PM): people are a tricky animal to figure out
n (5:17:00 PM): i couldn't agree more
n (5:17:17 PM): idk honestly; i have two schools of thought neither are very good
P (5:17:39 PM): well if u feel like sharing, i'd love a guy's opinion
n (5:18:30 PM): first believe everyone does something for a reason (my default setting;90%
uptime) and don't trust anyone any further than they can be thrown. This tends
to be a lonely and cynical way of living.
P (5:18:47 PM): true
n (5:19:53 PM): second people whom have shown in the past on smaller issues and over a long
period of time (months and years) that they can be trusted to follow out tasks;
that when they say things they mean them. This is my other 10% and it's hard
for a person to reach this point with me.
P (5:21:06 PM): i understand that completely b/c every time one of those 90% ppl fuck up, it
makes it that much harder to trust the 10%
n (5:22:03 PM): yep Everyday the world gets a little smaller for me. What's worse is when the
10% fuck up. Those are the days that are the hardest.
P (5:24:31 PM): i couldnt agree more....i've said something along those lines to mom about my
bro and the correlation between how he has treated me and how i expect others
to treat me
P (5:24:49 PM): its not that he's a bad guy, but he has the tendency to not follow through with
plans
n (5:26:04 PM): yeah well don't listen to me though. I have trust issues; I don't trust anyone and
when I do I trust them with everything whether they deserve that trust or not.
So I'm probably not the best to ask here LOL
P (5:27:52 PM): well, then thats why we get along...i dont even want to begin to get into the
disasterous "relation-shits" i've been in, where i've lost money, possessions and
the worst of all the trust and respect of family and friends
P (5:28:14 PM): and all for some guy who i thought was worthy
n (5:28:44 PM): that probably is why
P (5:28:54 PM): indeed
P (5:29:43 PM): appearances can be deceiving
n (5:31:58 PM): yeah i'm good at reading people sometimes I think...but then idk really
P (5:32:29 PM): you seem like you would be
n (5:34:16 PM): yeah idk
P (5:34:53 PM): take the damn compliment geez
n (5:35:36 PM): not good at that either
P (5:36:40 PM): too bad, get used to them
P (5:38:59 PM): tres chic
n (5:41:51 PM): idk what that means
P (5:42:45 PM): very fashionable. in french haha
P (5:42:58 PM): just seeing if you're paying attention
n (5:45:58 PM): i am
P (5:46:37 PM): good deal..that means you're better than most of the ppl i talk to ahaha
n (5:47:05 PM): i was better than most of the ppl you talk to before that LOL
P (5:47:26 PM): tis true, but dont tell them
n (5:47:58 PM): lol our secret
P (5:48:24 PM): thx
P (5:50:43 PM): do you like O.A.R.?
n (5:51:07 PM): i do
P (5:51:29 PM): i really like their song "shattered"
P (5:51:57 PM): i need to invest in some of their other stuff, so that i know more than just that
one song
n went away at 5:56:13 PM.
n returned at 5:56:52 PM.
n (5:57:12 PM): idk that song I'll have to download a couple more cds it sounds like
P (5:58:56 PM): yeah it's really good..the chorus kinda goes along with what we've been saying,
"How many times can i break til i'm shattered?"
n went away at 6:02:29 PM.
n returned at 6:05:20 PM.
n (6:07:44 PM): your into lyrics aren't you?
P (6:08:01 PM): very much so, how come?
n (6:08:08 PM): idk
n (6:08:13 PM): i just could tell
P (6:08:50 PM): i'm always quoting songs and movies b/c they already have he words that i
want to say or want to hear...it's so much easier when its scripted
n (6:08:58 PM): LOL
n (6:09:01 PM): so true
n (6:09:19 PM): “I don’t think my sexuality is even a question any more. The only physical
contact I have with other people is carrying drunk girls home from parties. I
think my orientation is ‘transportation equipment.”
P (6:09:35 PM): then if i dont get the reaction i wanted, i brush it off as just some movie quoteP (6:10:05 PM): haha, what's that from?
n (6:11:02 PM): My favorite website in the world (and it's for women...go figure)
http://www.collegecandy.com/haha/15697#more-15697
n (6:11:45 PM): “This year, I resolve to have way more sex. That seems like a great idea at the
time but turns out to be totally gross and stupid the next morning. Also, I
resolve to drink more.”
n (6:12:00 PM): “Am I still a vegetarian if I eat all this sausage?”
P (6:12:28 PM): hahaha, very good question and classic debate among ALL the girls i know
n (6:12:43 PM): lol wow I need to meat some of them
P (6:13:15 PM): haha
n (6:14:04 PM): did you get the double meaning there!?
n (6:14:05 PM): that was so good!
n (6:14:14 PM): I'm kinda proud of myself for thinking that up
P (6:14:15 PM): yes i did
P (6:14:21 PM): as am i
P (6:14:41 PM): “If you’re going to visit me at school, wait until February. We’re starting up the
dominatrix classes again. I think we’ll be doing a ‘make-your-own sex toy’
workshop. How cool are you with flogging? No, I’m kidding. Kind of.”
P (6:14:48 PM): i like that one the best haha
n (6:16:56 PM): that is a really good one too
n (6:17:28 PM): alright about to go eat dinner talk to you later
P (6:17:46 PM): i wonder what school that is...cant say i've seen that offered anywhere
P (6:18:01 PM): alrighty, take care and it was nice talking to you
P (6:18:13 PM): thanks for the make perspective
P (6:18:17 PM): *male
n went away at 6:24:33 PM.

To Pete C.

I miss you. Every day. It should be getting easier, but instead it seems to be getting harder. You were my first. And it has been said that you never forget your first. For my sanity's sake, I hope that's not true. I need to be over you, but instead I see you in every passing car. Every time I hear that song, I think of our last night together. Our last moments together, now forever gone. We crashed and burned in the night, never to get back what we once had.

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

I know in my heart of hearts that there are "good guys" left in the world, but with every passing day the chance finding one seems to slip through my hands. The problem isn't that I had an absentee father or an abusive uncle, but rather that I have an outstanding father who does everything he can to provide for his family and a older brother who treats me like an equal. And that is what makes it difficult for me to find a nice guy. I know that no one will ever live up to those expectations and that is incredibly frustrating. I hate the movies and the songs that say that everything will turn out fine and there's always a happy ending. I'm starting to question whether happy endings exist at all. And who defines a "happy ending"? I'm so tired of trying to figure it out most days....