"... and to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright, tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals, democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope. That's the true genius of America. That America can change, our union can be perfected. What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow." -- President Elect Barack Obama. Booya.
"Weiners are everywhere. Fest is not."
Sometimes when I would look through Where's Waldo books, searching to no avail, I'd wonder if he actually wasn't in there and the author got some warped joy out of knowing children everywhere scoured pages for hours looking for a Waldo that didn't even exist...now I'm starting to wonder if maybe this one sentence writer is the fiend behind many hours lost to searching for waldo: Thanks to my erasable Bic pen cap and hours spent lingering in after-school daycare all those years, generations of innocent, tenacious schoolmates never found Waldo.
""Let's find out!" I said as I reached for the piece of dental floss hanging out of my dog's butt.
"$8.59 is a very reasonable price for peace of mind," she thought as she pitched the negative pregnancy test in the trash.
As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting."
After watching the ant I had trapped inside a water circle for five seconds, I grew extremely pitiful and dried the way so it could walk out.
Every now and then a sentence will strike me and I'll think, "I wanna write a book about that."
On Wednesday I'm driving my husband to the airport to be deported.
Two of my friends and I drove a total of twelve hours to eat dinner in Chicago on Friday night.
I've been counting down to my 18th birthday on a calendar with the heading "# of days of childhood left", but I'm too busy with college to build a fort or play freeze-tag.
It wasn't until I sat up in bed the other night questioning our relationship that I noticed the light that was coming in through the blinds fell across my chest like a prison uniform.
He told me so many nice things, but did so many bad things.
Well, when the weird kid brings a M-16 to school, at least I won't be the first shot.
I think that I must be the only one who observes soberly dressed office workers on their way to and from work and wonders if they are wearing brightly coloured underwear beneath their suits.
It's not particularly motivating when you're trying to write out how you feel about her, only to have iTunes find every song about failed love on your computer and play them in uncanny succession.
"Ya, 'sall good man," is not an appropriate response to a declaration of affection.
Having a baby feels like trying to push a freight train up a mountain with your hoo-ha.
I left my ex-wife for her and then later she left me for my ex-wife.
I traveled around the world for a year and only felt lost once I arrived "home."
I was no more acquainted with the definition of clarity than when the music slowed down and he turned to face me, stopping the world from moving and changing my life forever.
One thing I used to obsess about was how I'd get my dog out of my window to save him when my house was on fire.
He laughed and told me I was still gorgeous after the freshly speared cuttlefish inked me in the face.
I should have known the relationship was doomed when he told me I seemed like the kind of girl who'd take her shirt off at a rock concert.
I went to the doctor to find out why I had cold that wouldn't go away and a cut that wouldn't stop bleeding, and I left with several appointments for chemotherapy.
He would kiss my forehead and move my hair from my eyes in a way that will be forever with me even though he is gone.
The last night of camp, when the counselor announced "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands," no one clapped, but one kid did flip him off.
My life is a typography error.
As a toddler, I went to Wal-Mart, saw my first black person, and promptly shouted that it was Lavar Burton from Reading Rainbow.
Elliott Smith helped me survive the summer.
She smells like something unidentifiable from childhood.
I didn't realize just how short I was until, during student teaching, I found myself asking my 4th graders to reach things for me.
I slammed my finger in the till at work today and told my boyfriend it would definitely have to be amputated at the shoulder.
This morning, on my bedroom floor, lay a dying firefly, its light blinking on and off, still signaling for a mate.
World of Warcraft is the sober man's crack cocaine, and I will fight against it with as much vigor as does the United States government.
As hot as double lip piercings are, as slender were her hips, and as beautiful were her eyes, anti-psychotics are an instant stop sign.
I have a 4.7 GPA and I smoke more weed than my high school's famed stoners.
Asked by my small daughter, "How long does a clock take?", I had to wonder.
As I lifted the animal to move him out of the road, I learned that turtles pee as a defense mechanism.
He knows to keep an eye on my hands, as the length of my finger nails is in direct proportion to how content I am with my life.
After adopting my father's habit of sitting through the entirety of movie credits, I realized that it had payed off when I saw the name Shelita Buffet scroll across the screen.
I was reading Calvin and Hobbes, drinking orange juice, when the sudden seizure ripped through me like a hyperactive kid with a bag of Doritos.
My dog has eaten a bag of Hershey Kisses, an entire Vonnegut novel and a tube of super glue without ill effect, but a bowl of the wrong brand of dog food required a roll of paper towels and a bottle of disinfectant to remedy.
I once ate a whole jar of peanut butter (the crunchy kind) just to see if I could, and all I got was constipation for a week.
He was standing in my kitchen when I stepped out of the shower and before thinking I shouted, "I'm always wet when I see you!"
Monogamy was never my forte.
People say that Fibromyalgia is not a "real" disease, but if they had to live with what I live with everyday, they would never say that again.
While trying to convince me that the wet spot on the front of his pants was peanut butter and not pee, my three year old son's lack of common sense caught up with his trickery as he said earnestly, "Honest, mom, I peed peanut butter."
By learning all the lyrics to Johnny Cash's "I've Been Everywhere" in less than 5 days I completed my 2007 New Year resolution.
"I am a talentless muppet" said the actress who was on stage mouthing the words relayed via an ear piece located near an FM transmitter which in turn was attached to an amplifier which had a microphone connected to it that was being operated by a very vindictive, smiling stage manager.
If I lived my life the way I drive my car, I'd be a friendless billionaire.
I didn't know the stupid cat had been my best friend for fifteen years until I realized he was refusing to let himself die unless I was there to hold him.
I think I've been making smart enough decisions so far, considering that my future self hasn't traveled back in time and beaten the crap out of me.
My life has been a never-ending series of bad haircuts and parking tickets.
The loneliest goat I ever saw was out in the field as I drove by, the wooden fence marking the boundary of the pasture underneath the hanging gray clouds.
I hated long Sunday drives with my parents until the day they took me to see the redwoods.
I realized it was Sunday when I drove up to Chick-fil-a and it was closed.
I experienced best feeling ever when, in the middle of my telling a story (having to do with spray paint and the tree in my backyard), he suddenly leaned over and kissed my forehead.
And so, seven hours before going to VietNam, I went to jail instead for smoking weed grown from seed smuggled back from VietNam.
Once upon a time I tossed my favorite hula-hoop into the big tree in my backyard, where it remained for several years, its color fading and circular shape withering.
She made me feel the best I ever had one year ago exactly and today she managed to take it all back with four little words, "I never loved you."
And that's when I decided to let my friends choose their own bridesmaid's dresses when my wedding came.
Because my mother lost her faith while hiding in a circus during the Third Reich, I was raised a carnie brat, looking for true religion all over the world.
As my boyfriend sleeps in my dorm bed next to me, I can't help but hope that one day we can share something bigger than a twin size.
A hooker stole my best friend's dog.
As I stood outside watching my breath merge with the cold air and starlight, I realized that he will never need me as much as I need him to need me.
As I was carrying heavy furniture across the room with my father, I realized that physical pain does not bother me when my heart is broken.
One night on ecstasy, I stopped a fight between two drag queens in the ladies restroom and then I made them give each other a hug.
My mother, being enraged, screamed "You son of a bitch", to which I replied, "Yes, I am."
I take sip of sweet icy coffee, look at him across the table as the cool autumn wind caresses my hair and for a moment find peace.
As much as I like being one of the dudes, I would give anything for one of them to tell me I was pretty.
My uncle would always say, "Good night, Danny, I'll see you in the morning," and the first and only time he didn't say "I'll see you in the morning," was the night he died.
I whispered a short silent prayer as I hooked the antenna to my television and was suddenly blessed with immaculate reception.
I got my nipples peirced just so I'd have my own dirty little secret.
I don't know if I have ADD, anxiety, depression, or all three, but I'm surely bulimic, probably an alcoholic, and most definitely a humanitarian.
The outside of our house looked pristine,untouched, not a window broken, but when we tried to unlock the door, we found the key-hole was full of mud.
I was 16 when I learned my parents weren't immortal.
The work week seems to be a repeating blip that echoes a nasty scratch on the record of life.
While trying to go to the bathroom at the movie theater, I skipped over two stalls without toilet paper and one with pee on the seat before settling on the stall that didn't lock.
Despite our height difference, we found he can still comfortably kiss me goodnight if I stand on the third stair up at the front door.
The best benefit of being good is that you can get away with almost anything.
You turned to look at your computer screen, and I knew that everything I had said meant about as much to you as your last game of solitaire.
As I sat numbly answering the phone, i realized how unfair it is that something you have absolutely no control over can make you so miserable you don't enjoy anything anymore.
When David and I decided to switch partners, the girls agreed and took off together, leaving us behind.
I seriously enjoyed being a clown, until I realized clowns aren't taken seriously.
As I leaned to kiss her on the cheek, she decided the lips would be better, and my heart stopped mid-beat.
After I post this, I'm going to go tell the girl that I love, my best friend, that I never want to see her again because she can't love me back.
Friends are there for you no matter what, unless they sleep with your boyfriend.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
Just as my boss began to speak at the company Christmas dinner, she simultaneously sneezed and farted, stopping every fork in midair.
I slept with your pillow every night while you were gone because it smelled like you, but now... it smells like me.
I hate that I'm always right.
I am broke and so is everything that I own.
You could have bought me a first class trip around the world, but it wouldn't have meant as much as your hand on my neck did last night.
I held tightly on to the umbrella, not because I was afraid that the wind would take it from me, but because I was hoping that it would take me with it.
He said he loved me, but left me for another girl, only to try and win me back again.
It was the first movie I went to see but never saw, heard but never listened to and came out smiling without knowing the ending.
Few will admit, but I am, honestly speaking, a man of few words and many ideas that only need to be written down on a paper.
I thought we had a connection, instead, I realized I loved my boyfriend after all.
My father gave me a glass of milk to help swallow the pages as I was slowly force-fed the forbidden book he discovered hidden under my bed.
When the teacher asked my third grade class what they wanted to be when they grew up, I stood up and replied, "Not my father."
We take showers together and never get clean.
I opened a door at the exact moment an earthquake began, so I shut the door.
It was as I stared down on the urban landscape unfolding before me that I realized, if the eye mirrors the soul, then cities are the eyes of humanity.
It wasn't until my 3rd marriage proposal in 2 months at the ripe old age of 12 that i decided living in an orphanage in Venezuela wasn't going to be so bad after all.
I chose him over seven other boys, and then realised he's the only one who would ever cheat.
I thought I could speak French until I actually met someone who spoke it.And as the fight ended, we realized that we have never fought about anything with even the slightest bit of significance.
My mother called me to do a chore and i responded, "What you need, Woman," to which my father chided, "Your mother is NOT a woman!"
Having to leave behind long-sought posessions many times I realized finally that only the memories of moments and the people remembering me are things to last.
If you put Dry Ice in a full 2L bottle of coke and put the cap back on you can create complete chaos on the subway.
President Bush killed my father, a soldier whose burned remains are now a part of the Iraqi desert landscape, and I, longing to fit in by supporting something I did not understand, was stupid enough to vote for him the previous year.
My friend Bob loved his vinyl records so much that he used to obsess about which ones to save if his house caught fire but when it actually happened he chose his girlfriend instead.
I shudder when I think that I considered myself a Republican in high school.
When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."
His tiny fingers clutched the crayon as they had once clutched the trigger, and like so many boys his age, he stuck his tongue out while he drew.
(
the tags on this one, from August 2006, include 'Africa, childhood, soldier, and art therapy' . . . terrifying.)
I spent five days getting there only to realise it was the jouney I should have been paying attention to.
We're going to marry, she simply doesn't know it yet.
I didn't get caught until the eight full feature film, but by that time I had had enough of cliche-ridden scripts and amazingly predictable endings (and my butt was getting sore).
Even five years later, we still talk once in a while that reminds me of how I thought I was in love with her even though we had missed our chance that summer in high school.
As I drove home the knot in my stomach swelled to the size of a small sun, but when I walked in the house I saw she had called and I no longer felt alone.
It was a mistake to leave Matt in the car to sober up, because it turns out he was in there puking a varitable mix of pure liquid alcohol and huge chunks of roast beef that made me ponder my chewing habits.
President Bush says he regrets some of the
things he said during his term, like “mission accomplished” and “bring ‘em on.” Oddly, he seems fine with “subliminable,” and, “is our children learning?”.
Also, Bush says there’s a book in his future. We’re guessing a pop-up of some kind.
