Yoda says it best: "Anger Leads To Hate," But Does Expressed Anger Actually Lead To Suffering Or

Does It End Suffering? Or Both? And Is The Suffering Of Someone Else Worth Ending Your Own Suffering?

In this case, I'm leading toward "yes" on the second question.

I thought that I would always love you because of who you are to me, then I loved you but didn't like you very much, but now I'm becoming less and less sympathetic & empathetic toward you. You try to pull off the "good Christian" card, but I know better. You are a lonely, bitter, angry & viral person who drains the very life out everyone you come in contact with. You don't even try to be happy & yet you are surprised that no one wants to be around you. People try to include you in activities, but you segregate yourself & look unpleasant the whole time until, finally due to feeling guilty about being happy & enjoying themselves, someone takes you home.

Changing Winds

Change is scary. It always is, whether for good or for bad. I'm trying to make changes for the better, but I'm still frighted to my very core. There's always the chance, no matter how small, that things will get worse. And in some cases, they always seem to get worse before they get better. So what do you do? I'm actually quite envious of the people who have found God or some other faith to pull them through the dark times. I'm working on that too....

"Ever since I found you, I wanna be around you. I wanna get down to the point that I need you."

It's not really any secret that I have trouble trusting people, especially those of the male persuasion. It's not that I don't try either. Ask anyone who really knows me, they'll tell you I trust to the point of being completely blinded and detrimental to myself. I'm envious of the people who are in relationships with their best friends and both people are truly happy. I desperately want that, to be able to find someone to spend my life with, who gets me and isn't annoyed by my quirkiness, is understanding and sympathetic when it comes to my health issues, and someone who is looking to be in it with me for the long run....

Well, it's still early in our reconnection, but I've been talking to a guy I dated almost five years ago off and on the past year or so and I was supposed to see him in October when he was here from Vegas, but I didn't get to. Now he lives in California and I got to see him last week. He flew into town on business and I was the only person he called and told he was going to be here. I had dialysis that day, so I was busy until about 2:30. He came by the unit to get my apartment keys so he could get a shower and decided to come back and sit with me for a bit. It was really nice. We talked for almost 40 minutes while I was hooked up, even though there is a fifteen minute time limit for visitors. He left and went back to my apartment and I continued my treatment. He had to go take care of the business he came into town for not too long after I got home, but afterwards he brought Jimmy John's to eat and we hung out, talked about life and family and work, and watched "Click" on tv. It was different hanging out with him this time. He opened up about his mom dying and I talked about my grandmother who passed away last year. He told me about his job in California, which was funny and nice to hear about since he was genuinely excited about it. It was really good to see him! He stayed with me until about 11:30, when he left to head back down to Orlando because he had a 7am flight the next morning. He called me when he got to his layover in Denver and we talked for a bit more. He said I need to come out there and spend some time, which would be awesome! I have to set up dialysis with a unit out there though, so I looked into them and he told me which one was the closet to him. He's coming back at the end of this month for his birthday, so I'll get to see him again! I think I surprised him by still remembering when his birthday is. He said only his mom and sister ever really remembered. One thing that he said that I can't shake because it meant a lot to me was "My mom would have liked you". I never got to meet her, so that was nice to hear. It's been a lot of fun and I've really enjoyed catching up with him by talking and texting him each day since he left and I can't wait until he comes back!

Fall

Leaves swirling,

My mind whirling,

Both out of control.

It's Autumn

And I've fallen.

Once again.

Where are you?

I seek you.

The one that makes me whole.

It's Autumn

And I've fallen.

Once again.

Yin:Yang = Me:Lonliness?

Is there such a thing as destiny and soulmates? And if so, what happens to a person when, and if, their "other half" finds someone else or dies? Are they then destined to be alone or feel incomplete as they bounce from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship? Everyone tells you to "take it slow" and "keep looking, Mr/Ms. Right is out there". But with every failing "relationship" it just makes it that much harder to trust the next one. The new one is tainted by the poisons that killed the last. And every passing day just gets more dark and lonely. Especially when you desperately want it to work out and finally get your own happy ending.

Torn

I met this guy, well actually two guys. One I've known, or rather known about, for a few years; the other I met a few weeks ago. They seem polar opposites on many levels. I like them both very much. They each make me feel alive in new ways. I feel much more comfortable with myself and able to express myself in new found ways, without fear of critism, ridicule, or judgement. And I couldn't be happier!

Love Is Blind?

I love you. Sometimes it feels as if it's out of obligation, however. You have the innate ability to take simple joys and crush them, like bugs under a shoe. You want me to trust and confide in you, but it only leaves me cut open and bleeding. I know you care for me, but are you holding on too tight and suffocating the very life out of me?